There are many things I hate about being disabled. There are many circumstances beyond my control and I let it go the best I can. I try to do everything (within reason) to make sure I'm taking care of myself and my conditions to the best of my ability. Even when I don't want to. Even when I'm having a supershitty bad day I do what I need to do the best I can. It's my life, I've got to do what I can to make it better for myself even if all I want to do at that exact moment is lay down in a ditch somewhere until I pass out or die. Melodramatic sounding I know but some days I actually am that sick. I pray for unconsciousness because that's the one of the only things that will stop my misery. Some days I've even asked God or the fates or karma or wtf-ever to go ahead and get it over with. Just effing kill me already. Those are the black days. Thankfully those have been very few lately. Like...so far, only two this past year...that I remember anyway. Sometimes I wonder if "fibro-fog" as frustrating and debilitating in it's own right as it is, well, maybe it's really a *good* thing. Maybe fibro-fog is a defense mechanism.
I don't waste too much time "hating" my conditions, I prefer to try to make the best with what I've got left. The control freak in me has always been smart enough to understand what I can control and what I can't. I learn from my actions, failed and succeeded and I adapt. I learn and I'll keep learning. And the next person who is stupid enough to say "mind over matter" to me is going to get to see my mind overcome my blind physical need to punch them in their ignorant maw. I've learned the bitter truth of "mind over matter". I'm as stubborn as the day is long and two hours into the dark. I've learned to pick my battles and utilize my time as much as I can. I've learned this through bitter experience so most ignorant people are just that, ignorant and need to move aside.
The things I can control to some extent are the things that sometimes frustrate me more than anything. Because I have so little of it anymore. You know. Control.
One of the things I hate hate hate about being "disabled" is having to depend on other people. For anything. It comes from growing up with people who really never kept their word. I don't trust others as I should and maybe I should have grown out of it by now but really? It's my life and I don't want my major memories of this last part of it to be filled with hurt, ineffectual rage and frustration at uncontrollable circumstances and disappointment. I grew up with that. I don't need anymore thank you, got my fill and then some growing up.
As for depending on other people...
I'd much rather do it myself. I know it's going to be done to the best of the skills, materials, tools etc if I do it myself. I know if I can do it that it is going to turn out *exactly* right to my specifications. Better than anyone else can do. Arrogant you think? Well, it's my life and I know *exactly* how I want it. Doesn't mean it's going to *happen* like I want, but, I can still WANT. At least that hasn't been taken away.
Although life is more frustrating than ever, having a good day and being stalled out waiting for someone else to assist with something I can not do (which is FRUSTRATING in itself) and getting brushed off until it's convenient for them...unspeakable frustration. When I was growing up I vowed I would never voluntarily be at any one's MERCY when I was an adult. Waiting upon their *whim*. I find myself falling into old "feeling" patterns when it doesn't happen when I need it. I find myself overwhelmed with a myriad of helpless, hopeless frustration at being told to "cool my heels" or "wait a minute", when it is something that only takes a minute or two to do and I would have already done myself if I could.
If I'm having a good day it's not a whole good day, it's part of the day. My *good* minutes are limited and they are being stolen by whatever is holding me back. Impotent fury is not happening around here as often as it used to but beware the person that effs with me and interferes when I am on a mission. I don't have much *time* to complete it and will let you know if you are in my way and effing me up because you are wasting my time. My *good* time. My good minutes.
I just read this over and I sound so angry don't I? You know why? Because I am. You know why?
Because being angry gives you more adrenalin than crying. Yeah it's bad for your heart and body and blah blah blah but you know what being angry gets me around here? The job started which means the job done. Maybe by me or maybe by someone else who sees I'm not going to wait around but I'm going to get what I need. I hate being angry the majority of the time but I'd rather do that than cry. That sucks. But. Well. So does a lot of parts of Life.
And on that particularly pithy note, I'm going back to bed. There are good things in life, in my life. I had a pretty good day yesterday but I'm still limited, still waiting for help sometimes, even on the best days and this is what I was thinking of. I'm going back to bed now because I have this feeling it's going to be an awesome sunrise and it's one of my favoritest of ways to start out the day, however it turns out. G'night...
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