Random quick update

Still having a pretty hard time with my legs so for now it's muscle relaxers & confined to bed or the couch. The muscle relaxers make my feet stop turning inward and pulling up but don't really do anything for the pain. I'm very thankful my kids are here right now and I'm sure glad they understand I'm frustrated & trying to be upbeat but this "unfixable" combined crap  makes finding something that lessens or stops these attacks almost impossible.

Trying to figure it all out

and still confusing myself. Life is different now. Waaaaaaaay different. I keep thinking I'll figure it out and be able to go where I want from there. I'm used to the quick change up and adaptability used to be my middle name, I could roll with the punches and bring the thunder all at the same time. Could. Used to.

Of course some days I have to think really hard to tell you my (real) middle name now. But... ask me to spell it (unusual spelling of course) and I can rattle that puppy right off while doing something else and go on about my business. Such is the ironic mysteries of "fibrofog", lol. (Insert big sigh here.)

You know what is really weird (and random)? Having superb muscle memory...and having most of that muscle structure be gone. It can get you into some real trouble if you don't pay attention. Walking has become a whole new game. "Navigating" is probably closer to the proper term when it comes to my mobility any more. It's not just walking, it's negotiating obstacles that are of little consequence to normal people. Little things to many are big hazards to the mobility challenged.

Where am I going with all this? I really don't know. I've got a lot of stuff buzzing around in my brain and I'm trying to figure it all out. I feel like I'm on the edge of some big momentous change (and it's good I think) but I'm not quite there yet so I don't know exactly where this is all leading. So it's exciting. And nerve wracking.

Did I mention exciting? It's just leaving me a little restless is all. Even my dreams are weirder than normal. That's how I know it's a big change. The subconscious starts kicking stuff up long before every thing tumbles into place and the mystery is unlocked.

That's where I'm at right now. Restless and drifting a little. It's going to be amazing though and I'm looking forward to it. The waiting is arrrrrrgle..though LOL

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Chaos Control

I know with all my posts where I'm talking about cleaning cleaning cleaning and exhausted from all that cleaning you'd think my house would be spotless right?

Nope.

It takes me a long to time to clean anything, I'm slow but I try because it's a never ending battle to fight the disorganization around here. I have areas of rampant chaos that I try to keep from bleeding into the rest of the house and I lose stuff all the time.

I'm not the only one who lives here so sometimes I'm afraid to set something down because I literally might not see it again for months or EVER.

Going through all this stuff lately has led me to two realizations: I have a lot of stuff. A bunch of art and craft stuff and so on...

But the other people who live here have even MORE!

OK, off on a major purge and donate mission and if they don't want to do that all they have to do is put it in their area and get it out of mine. So I can put mine away at least. Here's hoping anyway!!! :)

Update of sorts

Been trying to get motivated and get off the couch but between the loperamide making me sleepy and the chronic fatigue coupled with my recent foot injury making me tired as well, I've not achieved much of anything except binge watching Hart of Dixie on Netflix to avoid binging on Orange is the New Black all at once. I waited so long for season two of ONB I'm trying to string it out and enjoy it as long as possible :)

The weather has been pretty nice lately and it hasn't rained but it hasn't warmed up either. All in all it's been a pretty chilly June.

I've gotten some little stuff done here and there but most of this week I've been napping or on the couch. It's hard not to get down when I'm physically unable to do the things I need or the do the activities I want. So far I've been keeping those bummed feelings about what I haven't gotten done at bay by remembering all the stuff I have gotten done.

I won't go into the list here but I accomplished some major monthly chores for the household and did some work on several projects I've been wanting to play with for ages :) Just the enjoyment of getting to work on little things here and there helps counteract the "blahs" when I'm feeling like a definite underachiever.

One of my biggest disappointments has been wanting to write more posts here on the blog and not having done it for so many different reasons: too tired, too uncomfortable, to yukky too...all just a bunch of excuses because I really haven't been ready to face how horrible I was feeling. Now that I am feeling a little better I can admit how horrible I actually was feeling. Does that make any sense?

I just find it hard to write about anything when I feel like I haven't done anything lately but loll on the couch. BUT as I said, that's not true, I've done some stuff, really, lol. And in theory I have many things to write about but this feeling of being unproductive by feeling shackled to the couch is overwhelming at times and presents a huge mental hurdle in addition to the obvious physical obstacles I'm trying to overcome. Sometimes it's the only thing I can think about....or expend energy avoiding thinking about.

This "choosing your attitude" is some pretty hard work but it does work :)

Of course, now all I'm thinking about is the nap I'm feeling coming up. So, off to do that with no guilt, I earned it :)

Bring On The Wonder

I'm definitely due.

Bring on the Wonder for sure...

This song just soothes my soul and that is exactly what I needed a huge dose of after yesterday and my whole feeling like kicked puppy episode. Thank you Susan Enan and Sarah McLachlan for the beautiful song and Bones for using it on one of their episodes because I never would have known about it otherwise.

I started this post early this morning but I put it off because I was still busy thinking about the events from the past few days. I finally got back on my feet and got some things done that have been put off for such a long while and I started feeling really good which is such a joyful experience when it happens.

Then yesterday wasn't such a good day. It started out great, I felt great, low low pain and "gung-ho" to get going on my lists. It was such a good feeling but then it tipped and I ended up on the couch, thwarted by exhaustion again. It was beautiful out too so feeling like a dull lump slumped in front of the tv was a double bummer for me. I love being outside and hate when the weather is awesome but I'm not out enjoying it. Stress can knock me over quicker than anything and that is what happened and I ended up glued in one spot, physically rooted with my mind going 1000 miles a minute, trying to figure out a solution to all the major problems that popped up within the short space of three hours.

I've gotten most of the issues resolved, the rest will take time but will work themselves out as well, it's just the stress of having everything thrown at me all (it seems like) at once. But, it's a little better now and I had a pretty restful night as well even though I did get up a little before 3 a.m.

Today the rain is back which means no outside for me, no getting dressed (pj day yet again) and naps upon naps. Sounds not so bad right? Nap whether I want to or not. Not so fun.

So, determined to "choose my attitude" we made it a Bones marathon day and I worked (in between naps) on some of my journaling goals and soothing my "crumpled feels" as my kids like to say. I don't have my feelings hurt very often but when it does happen, sometimes it's a complete crusher for me. And that was a big part of yesterday so today was my "re-coop".

Happily I can say not a wasted day :)

Mission Accomplished.

So, now...

Bring on the Wonder
Bring on the Song...

South Sound Family & Sports Medicine...BOO!!!

Just started here after the clinic in Elma closed. Reception staff is great, no problems there. Had two visits in two months, my diabetes prescriptions were screwed up from the get-go...and the guy had the bottles with the amounts/directions in front of him while writing the new prescriptions. Always writes EVERYTHING for no-refills (my diabetes medication is not going to change from month to month).  This means I have to call in to the pharmacy for refills at least 7 days before they are due because they have to send a request to the doctor's office to be refilled. This can take up to a week. I am diabetic and this is like playing Russian Roulette with my meds if there is any kind hold up on the refills. This isn't the only issue but it is a big one. General care is poor, medical professional (not a doctor) seems uninformed not only concerning my health history but about general health conditions that have bearing on possible treatments and solutions. I was told when I asked about possible alternatives to metformin as my digestive tract is hypersensitive to the metformin which results in severe stomach discomfort, bloating, pain and severe violent diarrhea (for which I have been hospitalized for in the past and which is in my records but the guy seems clueless). "Well...it's working on keeping your blood sugar down, so we don't want to change it, just eat more celery and carrots." Seriously. Looking for a new Doctor ASAP.

Forever and a day huh?

Seems like it's been that long since I've posted here anyway, lol. Been busy, wish I could tell you I've been busy making tons of Art (with a capital "A" mind you) and making tons O'Cash. Nope.

But I wish I could, lol.

I've been pretty sick, the weather has FINALLY started to change for the better and since that affects me severely anymore, that has been a big factor in me doing ANYTHING.

So, the weather has gotten a little better and so have I. Then I feel pretty good on the nice days and do crazy stuff like I'm my old self. Crazy stuff: take the girls out in the boat and row around the lake and the island. Two hours later: OUCH my lower back had a fit and spazzed all the way out. Then I threw up from the nausea from the pain. Then I passed out from exhaustion---not from going out in the boat mind you but from the back spasms that came afterwards.

Some days are diamonds, yes, and some days are just shit.

The diamond days are few but they make up for the poo days but it takes a lot of work to stay upbeat. Some days I don't make it either but frankly, everyday I don't give up is a positive day. And when I say "give up" I don't mean acknowledge that I am unable to do what I wanted to do for the day and I must take to my bed to rest and take it easy. I mean give up and take to my bed from depression due to the fact that I can't do a damn thing due to pain and exhaustion from pain or whatever illness, nausea BS my body is going through at the given time. Giving up. Not wanting to go on with life. Conceding defeat and that this bullshit condition wins and is great than my will. NOT! I have this illness, it doesn't have me. As long as I can choose my attitude I choose to go on. And it's hard but the alternative wait...what alternative you ask? Well, *THAT* alternative that I refuse to discuss, because I don't have time for it. The leading cause of death of people with Fibromyalgia (FMS) is suicide. I would be lying if I said I had never ever thought about it. There have been some episodes in the past where I was so sick I thought I was dying and then got even sicker and was actually afraid I wasn't dying fast enough. Dark, dark days. I ended up in the hospital (more than once) due to the fact that I was actually so physically sick I was very close to dying. Uh duh, right? Not so, it's like having the worst flu EVER and being run over by a truck, you are pretty much out of it. Or want to be if you are coherent enough to think.

Fibromyalgia and/or CFS (I do have both) by themselves rarely fatal. In my case, I have Chronic Epstein Barre Virus (CEBVS) also known as Severe Chronic Active Epstein-Barr Virus (SCAEBV)  in addition to having FMS, CFS, Diabetes and a super long list of problems/conditions that (now I know) were mostly stress induced, which helps me by me minding my stress level now but the major damage is done.

CEBVS makes everything else more serious if I go out of "remission" for lack of a better word, so in my case, FMS can become fatal if paired with a CEBVS episode if I'm not very careful. CEBVS is basically like a severe case of Mononucleosis (EBV is commonly known as mono or the kissing disease) but the difference with CEBVS is that you've got "Mono for LIFE" . Oh Mono, lots of people think, the kissing disease...not serious...

But...in SCAEBV which is a rare Epstein-Barr virus associated disorder (which of course, my luck you know, rare=weird with doctors in general, lol) this disorder can cause chronic tiredness and fevers and sometimes be complicated by life threatening problems such as multi-organ failure, chronic (ongoing) pneumonia, and lymphoproliferative diseases (diseases involving the lymph nodes which could eventually show up as leukemia or a tumor). The reasons for the body's inability to control the EBV infection are still unknown and no effective treatment is currently available.

So...at the first signs of a possible CEBVS episode, I clear my calendar and concentrate on doing everything within my power to avert it. I also always keep in mind not to over-do, not to skimp sleep, eat regularly, take it easy and plan relaxing and self care measures and follow through.

That said, I really went off here, I see that now, lol, but it's rest time again and for now, I'm outta here...just another "day in the life"...Hope y'all have a great one! :)

Spring? Where?

So, this crappy damp cold weather has been kicking my butt. I've been been really struggling to get the basic stuff done let alone planting and remodeling and ugh. I'm just now coming out of a several day haze. I slept mostly. And was still tired. I'm feeling a little better so YAY, even though these last few days are a bit of a fog.

But I did finally get some of the planting done. I got the corn, kale, sunflowers and pumpkins planted. So still waiting to do the tomatoes and peppers and still seeding the rest. Still, looking better. This weather had been ridiculous though, rain, rain, rain, stormy rain and drizzle oh...and did I mention rain? Yeah. Rain.

My desk is set up in the studio but I've been too crippled up to get out there to attempt to do anything, let alone sit in the chair. It's very frustrating but it is going. Slowly yes, but going. I'm just very tired of waiting is all. There is progress being made and that's what counts :)

I am excited about a project I am doing with some other physically challenged artists this upcoming month, aka "Bead Soup" which reminds me, I have to go get my packet I'm mailing out ready to go for tomorrow...the deal is we come up with $20 worth of beads out of our current stash (no findings,wire, clasps, etc, JUST beads) and send it to our swap partner who will do the same with theirs. We take a pic of the beads we receive and then a pic of the finished product we made with the bead soup we were sent. Then we share the pics. There are about 20 plus of us doing it so there are going to be some great projects to be seeing at the end of this :)

Now...I better go get that packet ready! :)

Looking...

Sol Duc, Olympic National Park---another of my favorite places :)

Looking for peace today and hoping serendipity will drop some previously unseen beauty & joy while I'm soldiering on with the daily... :)

The last two days have been pretty rough. Both emotionally and physically.

No planting on Wednesday, instead a flying trip into the vet to meet mom, her horse Shadow was going in for a routine procedure (floating her teeth) and there was a problem with the anesthesia and she hit the ground 0.3 nanoseconds after the shot and started doing the fish on the concrete...vet didn't even get the needle fully plunged...Shadow is doing quite a bit better now but when mom called, it was looking very grim. She's all banged up and she spent the night at the vet's for observation but it's lots better than it was, my poor mom, that is her BABY!
So, what happened was when the vet gave Shadow the shot he missed the vein and hit the artery, the anesthetic went straight to her brain and she immediately fell down in the posts (at the vet's) and seizured and thrashed on the concrete floor for quite awhile it was horrible. So in addition to all the neural/muscular problems with the shot gone wrong she's all banged up & torn up from the fall and has numerous scrapes & cuts from the concrete floor. She's got a huge purple & red goose egg above her left eye. Looks like she lost a bar fight, poor horsie! They kept her for 24 hour observation and the vet said he was STILL going to float her teeth.
Then yesterday we were finally given the green light to pick up Shadow, talk about one of the *worst* vet visits ever...but she hopefully has a full recovery. Just wondering...Who pays when something like this happens? I mean besides the poor animal and the trauma to the owner, does this mean my mom has to foot the bill for the emergency care that wouldn't have been needed if the vet hadn't screwed up?

 Well, it turns out they didn't float her teeth (the vet said he was going to) and they socked mom 75 bucks for almost killing her horse & then saving her by the mostly luck. BRADY VET, your decision making, financial decisions AND vet skills concerning this incident SUCK!

Shadow is home and seems to be recovering but she's pretty "flighty" right now and who could really blame her!

In the midst of all this, yesterday was a 2 at the same time full vicodine day. Very bad. Things are better today in that department so yay. Any improvement is an improvement.

Trying to get stuff ready for planting and get back into the studio and hoping I don't have to try to go to the ER to attempt to get some relief.

I'm a little worried but I'm trying to ignore the pain and the rest of it...ok, gotta go try to do something now...

Tight Tuesday...

On my second lidocaine patch in 36-48 hours on my shoulder. Thinking seriously about putting two more on my lower back. Hurtin 4 Certain...my fb status this morning: "I'm having some trouble but I sure like walking. And sitting upright. On my second lidocaine patch in 36-48 hours on my shoulder. Thinking seriously about putting two more on my lower back. These things are $$$$ and I don't know if I'll be able to get anymore but really? Did I mention I like walking? And ah...you get the point."

Ah...I'm sure you get the point, lol.
It's a little after 10:30 and I've gotten quite a bit done (for me) considering the last few days. No. Still haven't been able to put a bra on for more than 55 seconds due to the shoulder (tried yesterday) but, still...getting there I think :) I will try again today, just not right *this* minute. The day is still young. Ahem. Relatively.

Older kids are off helping their grandparents at the beach with their stuff today.
Tomorrow I need to go to town and pay on phone and buy household items (won't take me long thank God) and
Thursday my son might have to go over to grandmother's across lake to help out over there.
Friday I need a ride to town to mail off the rent (yay, another month covered).
Saturday I might be able to get into my trailer that has been sitting here since last Friday.

Maybe. My body permitting.

11:00 and I did it! I got my bra on and I've had it on for over 15 minutes! I haven't had one on (except for that rotten 50 seconds of agony the other day) since Thursday night. Little victories are still victories ;)

NOW...off to *try* to *do* something. Something little. But it'll be something! :)